Annoyed.

Quite annoyed.

When my mum doesn't see me studying I'm "Not Working". When I'm replying an sms I get stuff like "So how's your study? You look more dreamy than anything else." Like what, I'm expected to be studying 24/7??

When I get damn pissed off I get the impression that they just want to drive me crazy.

It'd be nice not to get snide remarks once in a while. It'd be nice to be left alone. It's not easy being in Uni.

2 more papers.

Signing off... ...

Understanding 'Impossible'

Took this off one of Karen's shared items.

Signing off... ...

Hm.

Sometimes when I talk to people who are just very crude or constantly make jokes about other people for no reason or are just generally cruel and inconsiderate, I just lose the desire to talk to the person- Even if I was bursting with things to tell just a couple of seconds before.

Using vulgarities or degrading people when you're really angry for a valid reason is acceptable, but when you just do it 'for fun', or just 'in passing', I just... Can't stand it. For some reason. Don't know if it's weird.

But I guess that's the reason why my close/good friends are who they are- ^^

Manda reminded me about my blog name a while back.. But I'm still thinking of a new title.

Signing off... ...

Glad.

Exam Fever

Exams start tomorrow.

9 a.m.

... ...

Shit.

Signing off... ...

Gone

I feel trapped.

All around.

Work is now my worry, my problem, and yet, my refuge.

I want to break free.

Signing off... ...

I need an outlet

Live by your words

A quote from John Fitzgerald Kennedy:

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

So true.

Empty words mean nothing. Absolutely nothing. If you mean it, do it. Only then can the true meaning be conveyed. If you cannot live by it, don't even mention it. Don't promise anything. That will only show how insincere you are.

Signing off... ...

Lost

It's been way long since I last updated >_< Sorry about that!! *brushes away some cobwebs*

School: School has started, and has been one hell of a ride. I've got a load of stuff, with hardly anyone to bitch about it to. I just wanna block everyone out of my life sometimes and reconnect myself with the world once this is all over.

I won't say I'm stressed... But I'm just at a point when it'd be great if I could run away. Not from work, but from everything else, so that I can do my work.

I'm behind schedule in my practicals, don't know what I'm supposed to study for my 2 midterm tests this week, have a load of tutorials that I'm struggling to understand... The list goes on.

Wish me luck. This week's gonna be hell.

Signing off... ...

Tired.....

Looks like this Saturday's gonna be an extremely tiring day for me again...

I got sick for the umpteenth time this year. Don't really feel like pushing myself this time.


Signing off... ...
Hope I get well soon...

Personality Quiz

Personality Quiz: I just took this personality test that was found on my brother's and Christine's blog... I thought the results kinda hit home... But >_< Not sure...

"Think of themselves as gentle, conscientious, and mature": I can assure you I didn't say that in the test @.@ Not like that anyway >_< Wahhhz...

If you want to try it out, click here.

In case you're interested, my results are below:

Results

Your answers suggest you are a Nurturer

The four aspects that make up this personality type are:

Summary of Nurturers

• Care for the important people in their lives
• Strive for harmony and avoid confrontation
• Think of themselves as gentle, conscientious, and mature
• May have trouble making decisions that could hurt others

More about Nurturers

Nurturers are quiet people who believe in order and diligently look after the people they care about. They focus on the needs of others and establish routines to help them meet their commitments.

Nurturers are the most likely group to say they prefer a job where the same thing happens every day, according to a UK survey.

Nurturers remember details that are important to them, such as their friends' birthdays and anniversaries. People with this personality type value others' feelings and may challenge behaviour they think is insensitive.

In situations where they can't use their talents or are unappreciated, Nurturers may feel bitter and seek support by complaining to their colleagues. Under extreme stress, Nurturers may become preoccupied with the worst possible outcome and believe that they are heading for disaster.

Because they are so caring and loyal, Nurturers run the risk of being taken advantage of.

Nurturer Careers

Nurturers are often drawn to jobs that allow them to help others.

It's important to remember that no survey can predict personality type with 100 percent accuracy. Experts say that we should use personality type to better understand ourselves and others, but shouldn't feel restricted by our results.

When the going gets tough... ...

When the going gets tough: Do you get days when you have to stay back at work cause you have a lot of things to do, and have to be done soon? Impending datelines that you have to fulfill that come at you all of a sudden and force you to give your full attention to it?

People who work in the IT line (and probably other lines too) should have more than enough experience with that.

On days like that when you get emotionally tired and stressed, wouldn't you love to just listen to music and relax after that, or receive encouragement or some form of push from the people close to you? Or otherwise, just for them to leave you alone so that you can handle yourself and your responsibilities without any extra stress?

I do. Usually I hope for the last because it's too rare for me to get any of the other choices. Except from some people, whom I sincerely am grateful for (oh, how I enjoy talking to those who always emit that positive aura whenever I've got a lot on my hands)

Tough + Tough days: On terrible days like those, don't you just positively hate it when people start scolding you for staying late, telling you that you're supposed to do this and that, and that you don't manage your time well, basically that it's because of something you do that caused you to have to stay late (those that give you the impression that they're saying it's your fault that you're staying late, and that something you're doing is wrong instead of moving forward) Or when you bump into those people that start blaming everything and everyone one around you for your predicament. (oh, I know some people prefer this option. I'm just not one of them.)

If it's online I'll probably just ignore that person (know how they say you shouldn't focus on the negative stuff yo?), but when it's not as simple as closing a window, it really just tortures you to have to listen to that person (given a choice I wouldn't), and piles up on your emotional stress (sometimes more so than the work is giving you). Especially when you know what they're saying isn't true, and you're just way too tired to bother arguing with them.

When it gets too much for me and that person is really going too far, I will ignore them anyway, regardless. Or just put up a front for them, until it tides over (if I'm way over my tolerance level this never happens though).

My colleague and I were talking about how we seem to have people doing that to us during our worst times, and how it seriously gets on our nerves. I'm grateful for the consistent encouragement that comes in the form of your colleagues though. ^^

Moving on: As they say, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going".

It's misleading what the 'tough' part really encompasses sometimes, though.


Signing off... ...
Ah well.

Blogshop Open!

Whoa manz! My stock for my blogshop came yesterday~ =D

See that up there? That's my parcel that came when I was at work yesterday ^^

Oh! I don't think I mentioned before this right..? =S I opened a new blogshop! It's got an extremely unoriginal name: ~* Blogshopperz *~ But it's the best I can come up with at the moment =X

Girls who are viewing this... Do go to http://blogshopperz.blogspot.com [click here] to take a look ;) See if there is anything you want, ya? =D

I really hope this comes out a success... >_<


Signing off... ...
Hopeful

New Site

Yoz people!!

I expect I had a lot I wanted to blog about... But I can't really remember them right now... I decided to post today on this dusty blog, just so I could inform those who're still following me that I have created a new blog for fun/interesting stuff I come across: ~ Sit Back and Relax ~

That does not mean that I am abandoning this blog... Not at all. This blog will be more personal and local, while the other one will be happier and more generic. =x Guess you could just pick which one you want to follow if you're lazy to follow both ^^;;

I'm intending to create a third site soon =x *coughs* ^^;; You'll see. [I don't think most of you will be following that though]


Signing off... ...
Crazy me

Live Your Life

Not too long ago, someone asked me, "What do you wish to accomplish while you're alive?" My answer..?

"Live my life."

Live my life: I expect I didn't make much sense to the person who asked me the question. It made perfect sense to me, however. It may be easy to some, but for me..? I see it as lifelong challenge. Especially since I went though Polytechnic.

I used to stand in my own way, my introverted nature and timidness forming this endlessly high wall in front of me. I have tried to chip the wall away bit by bit since I discovered the existence of the wall, and do what I really want. People experiment in primary or secondary school with their CCAs, but I was late, and did my experimentation during my stay in the polytechnic.

That wall I had is now gone, and yet... a wall of another nature has been created. This wall is one I cannot chip away at. A wall that has to disintegrate on its own, yet also a wall that I can take an extremely long and tiring detour around, should I really wish to.

University is going to start... And I really want to give my all during my stay. I want to do things. I want to let myself go and enjoy myself, do myself and my family proud. I want to put everything I can into my schoolwork, into my curricular activities. Do what I want. Do what I'm passionate about. Make myself happy, make my stay in University a fulfilling one. Leave myself with good memories and to have no regrets upon graduation.

I realise that this would be my last chance to really involve myself in all these different activities.

My last chance.

And I really don't want to spoil it. The question is whether I have the ability to fulfill this wish of mine.

Foreshadowing: I figured that the outcome would ultimately show me how I would be living the rest my of life. Whether I was to let the paths I take be decided by others, or whether I would take a stand and keep it grounded.

Many would have no doubts on which they would choose, but me? My heart is currently torn in two. Desperately wishing to take one path, yet knowing that I would most likely go down the other.

It is not always just my wishes that decide the path I take. Sometimes, external factors (though some would see it as sheer cowardice) would affect my decisions and steer me away from the path I had my eyes on.


Signing off... ...
To live my life, or to live someone else's?

Forgiving

EMO POST!

Forgotten: I don't approve of some of the ways that my mind uses to get around things... When something happens that hurts me, and I have no time to talk with myself over it, or do something I really should about it, I let it slip from my mind.

A numbness takes over, and suddenly you don't feel anything anymore. The numbness is all that you feel. It's very relieving, and lets you get to sleep.

Then when you wake up, you don't remember any of it anymore. Not the hurt, not the details of the incident... Sometimes not even the incident itself.

The downside is, once another event triggers the remembrance of this one, the pain you feel doubles.

And then I try to forget again.

Forgiveness: Usually when someone does something bad, I don't blame it on that person. Not for more than a week or a few weeks, at the most.

When it gets longer than that, though, it says something. When it goes over months, I know it's not something I will be able to forgive just like that. Just because I want to.

If it's a breach of trust, the trust will have to be earned back. Not just trust on the whole, but in that particular aspect, fully. And trust, once broken, is extremely difficult(if not impossible) to earn back. I'm sure most of us, if not all, would have had such an experience before, and would understand what I'm talking about.

If possible at all, the process would take years. Surprisingly, each of my 2 closest friends had a particular incident that left an extremely bad impression in me, both of which will probably stay till the end of time. [Heh, manda will definitely know which one hers is... I couldn't forgive that one for years]

One particular person breached the trust I had between us at that time, and I haven't forgiven that person since. Not even when 10 + years have passed since then.

No one else has yet to reach the exact same level as that... Though there may have been close calls... One thing I hope for, is that nothing will never reach that phase again. That that number will not increase again.

1 is seriously more than enough.


Signing off... ...
I need to grow uphelp

over

I finally have the time to blog again... It's been a hectic time since the last time I typed into this little box in Blogger.

Over: It's over.. Finally. The end of the FYP presentation and deadline is more relieving than the exams proper - that much I can say for everyone in my semester. The moment the presentation was done, when we shook hands with the client, got a pat on the back... There was this enormous weight that was lifted off my chest.

That Monday, I left the school feeling like I was walking on air.

I felt like I should be off somewhere celebrating, but the exhaustion, coupled with my yet-to-be cured illness, had me going home and surrendering to rest... For a good many hours.

From that day till now, I've been chilling out. But soon I will have to slap myself back to reality - to the fact that I still have an exam next week. Study will have to resume soon.

To all those whose FYP is over: GREAT WORK!!! All the slogging has finally paid off and it's almost time for the handover to the company. No more chionging like mad late into the night (or into the next morning).

... Not till University at least.

Breakdown: I had a complete and total breakdown sometime during the hectic period. Complete with the screaming.

I had to juggle a test, 1 FYP project and 2 other project deadlines within a single week. For the week or two leading up to it, I tried my very best to prioritize, to put everything else aside. And yet, I couldn't. So I had to split my time up even more.

I almost couldn't make it. For FYP, for my projects, for the test.

Almost.

If it weren't for the extension of the 3 projects at the last minute.

University will be coming up soon... If such a situation arises again..... I shudder to think of the consequences. I doubt that University would be so lenient with us as the Poly as been.

If something like this comes up again... I don't think I'll be able to handle it.

But still... This hurdle's over. I should be grateful.

Laptop dead: Oh yea, this is extremely random... But my laptop's finally dead. Reformatting and everything will be oncoming soon.

Thank you: to my FYP group. For helping so so so much.. Especially during that last stretch, and even before that... Amanda: For listening, for just being there. For encouragement, for being my tranquilizer. Clar: For hearing my rants, for the laptop and for any help you gave- Especially during the last few days with the laptop when I was too sick to do anything.


Signing off... ...

Cosplay, Work and Competence

Competence: Some people judge me cause of my grades, my results... Think I'm good... Truthfully, I don't think I am. People look at my results, make assumptions, carve their own impression of me... Without knowing me. Without taking the effort to know me.

I hate that.

I hate it when people say stuff like: "Aiyah, what cannot... You JLPT 1 leh!"

To hell with JLPT 1.

I took it, what, 2 years ago? Passed it on the DOT too. I was facing the principal of the Hiroshima Institute of Technology Polytechnic the other day, and I couldn't say a word. All I could do was smile and nod. Even when I wanted to say something I found that I didn't know how to.

I have no confidence, I have no ability.

Now, please stop with all these assumptions made from looking at my grades. It isn't just for Japanese, it's for everything. IT, school, friendships, dancing... Whatever.

Don't judge me from paper, from what you don't know.

Save your judgements for after you know me.

Please.

Class Outing: We had this outing a few days back, to gather with our friends whom were all flying to China for their overseas internship. We had a load of fun at Clarke Quay, and it was really great spending time with all of them =D We even took some photos~

For quite a few of them, I know that it was a long-awaited break from all the hassle and stress that came about from our schoolwork and projects. For me, it was a break alright, and an eye-opener.

Got to walk around Clarke Quay at night (which I've not exactly done before) and I got to walk past the street where all the clubs and pubs were... Twas interesting ^^ Clarke Quay in the morning and at night are seriously 2 extremely extremely different places.. (I should know. I used to frequent Clarke Quay a LOT in the morning)

Thank you to Eunice and Michelle for accompanying me to Spotlight before meeting up with the guys(the queue in Spotlight and looking at the stalls at PS caused us to be late though... Sorry..!!). It was nice to hang out with you guys, even if it was just a while ^_^

Cosplay Performance: Ok, I just came back from a 4 hour session with the cosplayers... I'm a backup dancer for the Hare Hare Yukai dance, and I seriously just CAN'T get it right. Maybe I've taken a break from dance for too long. My memory span is like what, 10 seconds now? @_@ ARGH! I've been practicing for the past 20min or so in front of my computer and I STILL can't keep up. And the dance segment's like only 30 seconds or something..! Oh noooooo.... I'll make myself practice and listen on the way to school and back or something.

Load of things to do: I have a TRUCKLOAD of things to do at the moment... When I met up with the cosplayers, I really saw how stressed the lot of them were, rushing not only theirs, but everyone else's costume, armour, accessories and what-nots. Dusty almost broke down, Skye was majorly stressed, Cat brought the crosses she had to do and was constantly working on it everytime we took a break, Mark was skipping work, and everyone was doing something or another, or helping someone else with something. Everyone was having a lack of sleep, everyone was going to sacrifice their sleeping time to complete what they can for the team.

Me? I've got school. At that moment it seemed a very weak excuse as to why I could not settle, at the very least, my own costume. I'm going to have to do this, one way or another.

It's just a LOAD of things these few weeks... Next Saturday is the event (in which I need to collect the costume, attach my armour, get my wig done, sew my skirt and attach the lace and get the dance right), and then Clar's graduating from his BMT on Tuesday... And so I'll probably have to find some time to spend with him. Adding to that is this dance performance I REALLY want to see on Wednesday.

And that shitload of things up there probably means that I will be squeezing any possible tiny bit of time for my FYP, and seriously, even _that_ is really screwing up big time too.

I just need to survive till the middle of January. Get all this settled. Get all this done. Properly. Nicely. Well.

Wish me luck. I need to learn to cope with less sleep. I have to. I need to.

Cosplay: Seeing the team and how everyone worked together, I'm reminded of why I've been staying in Cosplay all these years... I see now, why Andrea loves the team so much. 1/2 of them probably don't even know who I am, but I really starting to feel this fondness for them...

Am I still going to retire..? I have no idea. But then again, I'd likely have no cash to support my costume for next year... Guess I'll have to take it as it comes. I'll decide again when the time comes.


Signing off... ...
Busy

Sick

Tonsillitis: Ok, don't mind me, I'm gonna bitch abt my throat. Ok I think it's not just tonsillitis, but also lik swollen throat and all, but it worsened like hell last night, and from then I just couldn't take it anymore.

Finally went to see the doc this morning, and when she checked she was like =O "omg, why's it so bad?" Then gave me this look. ^^;; She gave me fever medicine, told me that a fever will probably be coming up, and when I told her it came 4 days ago, you could literally see her go -_-"

Heh. Alright, so I should have gone to see the doctor sooner... But hell, I didn't know it was gonna get _so_ much worse -_-"

I spent the entire day conversing with people using notepad ^^;; I teared once I think, in school, when the entire stretch across the throat got damn pain.. And then I promptly started searching for my Strepsils. Swallowing is hell now, I tell you. Terrible.

Can't drink too much water, cause it'll clear whatever layer there is over my tonsils and throat and then it'll start getting super pain again... Strepsils helped me loads today cause it coated this layer across my throat and stuff and it didn't hurt as bad >_<

I just hope all this goes away soon.

It feels hell terrible.



Signing off... ...
Oh gawd, my throat......

Emo Post

Tired: Now's just one of those times when I just wanna be alone, with me, myself, and a working, not-lagging computer.

One of those times when you just don't feel like dealing with anyone, not having to deal with anything... And well. Not talking.

Actually I have a lot of things I wanted to kind of blog about... But... nah.

School: Have so many things on my hands now... I have approximately a maximum of 5 and a half days a week that I can really do my projects. Approximately.

I feel like doing quite a lot of things. Play bridge, play Munchkins, play Citadels, hang out with friends, go for that Miyazaki gathering that was last week, go watch a movie with manda [sorry i couldn't go... =(], go for the activities in school, go for the dinner award presentation to see my friends get their award, chill without having all my work stuck to the back of my mind...

Wish I could juggle all my work, wish I could satisfy everyone's expectations of me.

Wish I could.

Really do.

Random Thought about Life: Everyone's life is different. What we're doing, what difficulties we're facing, what problems we have, how we are, are all different. Perhaps some are similar here and there, but some are just extremely different in nature...

You can't just apply what you feel, and how you look at things to others so easily and deem them just as important, or not as important, when the situations in which others are in are so different.

Don't you think so..?

Walk in the park: I love walking through the park, seriously. It's a nice place to think, and a nice place to observe people... Every morning I see a LOT of old folks, and not so old folks, exercising, bringing their grandchildren to walk around to observe nature, doing taichi (i think?) and of course, others just like me rushing off to school/work (though those people usually take another route and run across the road so that they get to the MRT 'faster')

In the evening, you see the younger ones in their teenage years or 20s doing their jogs, exercising, rollerblading, the younger kids walking with their friends talking about school, about games, or playing and throwing stones at each other (my leg got hit once while walking past -_-"). Sometimes you see groups playing the guitar, singing, discussing.

At night, there are still a few doing their jog, some sitting and staring at the fish, old couples sitting around and chatting, younger couples sitting around and, well, usually chatting, sometimes sitting on each other and chatting [which makes me slightly uncomfortable], and some sitting around and doing their work.

Such a lot of things moving and going on around us... The beauty of everyday life... And yet, we're usually too caught up in our own lives (or drowning in our own 'misery') that we never take the time off to observe the little things around us.

It really is a pity.


Signing off... ...

EOY Panic Attack

Cosplay panic: Omg. EOY is in like, a month's time... And I still have my costume to settle. Skye just posted on the livejournal community, stating that every weekend from now till EOY is 'Manual Labour Weekend'. Where all of us are supposed to go someone's place to chiong some costume.

Which, obviously, I will not be able to go for -_-"

Crap.

There's like a bag with my circle skirt's cloth inside, which I'm supposed to sew to cut down cost, Skye's poofy thingy (which ive forgotten the term for) which I'm supposed to make more poofy (and obviously don't have the time to) and that wonderful mostly done costume at the tailor's that I will need to touch up on, and that whole bunch of armour that we are supposed to attach to the costume, and the crosses and stuff that we're supposed to make and settle.

And that's just my costume.

Oh, crap.

I wish I could pull out now, but I can't.

I swear, I'm retiring after this event.

The costume will have to settle itself, somehow or another. I'll figure that out when I have the time.


Signing off... ...
Too busy to think about anything other than schoolwork

FYP: On to Phase 2

FYP: FYP has taught me a lot of things... About myself, about others, and well. Yeah. My group stressed the poor leader out some time back... I don't know how much I managed to help when it was nearing the report submission, but I hope I managed to help, even if just a bit.

My leader's blog: A month or so back, some people told me to view my leader's blog post. They said that they thought what he said wasn't fair, wasn't warranted, wasn't right.

I went to go look, and surprisingly, I could see more of his view than those who informed me about the post.

The sad thing was, I couldn't do anything much about it. I couldn't really lighten his load cause I couldn't see where he was headed, what he wanted to accomplish. Couldn't really get through to him at times either when I wanted the best for the team and the project too.

While he was stressed, I was breaking down too. For different reasons, of course, but it wasn't any easier.

Through this phase: Learnt a lot about this group... About the people, and how they work. In the beginning I could hardly talk to anyone, but thankfully I can talk to practically all of them now. I work best with, well... The one I'm currently grouped with, so... =) That's a good thing.

Starting of FYP: I recall the start when I was quite shocked and not used to the way the group worked. The way one person dominated all, and some just wanting to do what they are told to. I tried to help the leader, but with no idea as to what he was coming up with for the group, I could do little but ask what I could do, what he could give me to share the workload.

That hardly acheived its objective. It was difficult for me to put my two cents in, extremely difficult, and with most of the group not knowing me, debates turned out looking like arguments to them.

The team wasn't much of a team at first - It hardly gelled together. It was a group I kept wanting to run away from.

But now, it's different.

The group, now: Knowledge and understanding goes a long way, that's the least I can say. And while I doubt I'm really helping that much right now, I hope that I'm seen, at least, as part of the team. Someone they can trust. Someone they can work with.

I have put in what I can for Phase 1 (though I have to say I hated and kept getting overloaded looking at the diagrams I had to do due to the sheer number of relationships between the tables... Therefore missing out some stuff), and hopefully it's enough.

Chionging through Phase 1 has really shown how everyone works, who I trust, and how I should work with certain people.

Phase 1 is now over, and hopefully this knowledge will bring me through Phase 2.

Wish me luck.


Signing off... ...
Trying to work