Busy. Overloaded. Lost. [Time]

Yep, lots of talk. I'm finally not gonna just narrate my daily happenings. About time. But let me warn you, it's an extremely long entry... My brain, I'm afraid, is on overdrive.

Private space and time: Okay, so I've always been a person who's needed my own private space and time... I realise that it's almost a _must_ for me to have these. Lack of private space makes me feel extremely suffocated, invaded, vulnerable... and etc. A lack of my own time... Well, let's just say I found the consequence out today.

Time alone: I've not had much time alone for the past... well. Ages. No time to think, no time for myself or anything like that. So... I found out what happens to me when that happens. Went out with Clar for lunch and stuff... Ended up entering my 'thinking' mode during lunch, when we were walking, and even when I went for class. Ended up zoning out when my teacher was talking... and when we were supposed to be reading this passage and answering questions.

There was a point in time when I read the thing in my head, but nothing was processed. Only after over a paragraph later did I realise that, and had to go back to read it over again. Needless to say, I was like the slowest. When she started to go through the passage, I had only done 2/3 the passage, at most. And like everyone else had finished...! Gah. Then decided to take a walk back from class so that I could think, instead of taking a bus. Needed the walk too. ^^

But at least all the time thinking got me back on track. Got me somewhat less confused and back on what I want to and should be. Not enough, but will do for now, I guess. I've got a bumpy road ahead of me and any form of stabilisation will help.

Family time: I realise that I've been treasuring any time alone or with my family much more than I usually would. Which means only one thing: I haven't been spending enough time with my family. It's really very sad... Considering that there have been major happenings recently that I've not known about, simply because I'm never at home for them to update me. At dinner today, I couldn't help but appreciate how nice the food was, and felt so ashamed when my mum mentioned something about using up the fish and minced pork (when I commented that it was really nice) for previous meals, which I didn't know of, because I wasn't there.

That's not even including when I didn't even know when my brother was down with food poisoning over a long period of time. Great. And I only realised the day after he recovered. Wonderful sister I am.

My identity: I felt that I've been losing it bit by bit, chunk by chunk... Realised that I have my own way of dealing with things and should stick to it. No matter what people say, no matter what people think, no matter what people want me to do. I am who I am, and I should not keep moulding myself into what people want me to be.

I have to admit that I end up doing the latter all the time anyway, and I have no one to blame but myself when I don't like the end result. Compromisation is one thing, identity mutation is another. I've been changing my style, my way of doing things, my thoughts, my everything, with compromisation. No one to blame. If I decide to compromise, it is my own duty to hold true to myself, to keep my values firm and everything.

Not everything has to be said, not everything thought through the head has to come out of my mouth. I believed that from a long, long, time ago. But I had to throw that all out the window. So I suffer the consequences. Now, I shall have to work back to getting back in shape and knowing what I have to say and what I don't.

Self mutation and determination: People I've known around me for so long are starting to leave me one by one... And so well, I started to think. If I was going to die, I do not want to regret the choices I've made, the things I've done, everything I've done to myself. I've been extremely confused over what I think I should do, and whether I should change what I have been doing. The former, I am still confused over, but I came to a conclusion over the latter.

Just thought that I should just stick with what I'm happy doing. If what I do brings a smile to my face and makes me happy, no matter what other people say I should just stick to it if I believe that it's the right thing to do. Other people have their own views, and just as well, since everyone is entitled to have them, and it really is interesting when you look around and see how different people around you handle things. This change in perspective is not something that should push me to mutate myself into something that would fit that perspective. Even if that perspective is that of someone close to you.

Accepting them for who they are does not equate to agreeing with them, or changing your mindset to correspond to theirs. I believe that if you stick to what you strongly believe in, something you know you don't want to change and that you won't be happy changing (of course, when it needs to be changed it should be), people will accept you for who you are. The people who matter, that is.

Busy: Aside from all that, well, back to the physical world. I'll be extremely busy, and have been overloading myself a lot. Emotional roller coaster rides have been the norm over the past week or so, and will probably be over the next couple of weeks too. If things go bad, it may last all the way till the end of the sem. I've got my dancesport competition (in which I need to brush up A LOT on) and school, and Jap, and meeting ups, and the upcoming fund raising thing from club. And the Japan trip. It's about time I got back to focusing. Don't know why I keep my phone next to me all the time at home now. I'll probably go back to leaving it in my bag.

Thanks: To my Jap class. The passage content was one of the biggest reasons why I managed to think through and get some kind of breakthrough. And Manda, for sticking with me... I'm so sorry for having neglected you the past few days... =( And well, Clar too- Ended up learning a lot of things and thought through a lot of things because of stuff too.

And oh yes... HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Manda and Meiling!! For today~ =D And to Momo and Deone 2 weeks ago.


Signing off... ...

If... Updates on events

If I could run,
I would.
If I could give up,
I would.
If I could break down,
I would.

If only I could.
--------------------------
Yeah, well, I haven't been able to blog about the stuff that happened over the past few weeks, so I shall blog about it now... >_< A bit late, but ah well.

CT Outing: YES finally met up with my dearest CT!! =D A few people didn't manage to go, but it was alright, at any rate. We met up to eat at Seoul Garden, then went for pool... I took a couple of photos... And William started experimenting with marinated prawns (marinating the prawns with all sorts of drinks before 'frying' them.) It was fun~~ =D

Ice-skating: Yep, then went ice-skating with the HK peeps~ It was dead fun =D I helped some people for a while with their skating~ Sho proud of them!! =)=) Made drastic improvement, for some =) Whee love the HK peeps~ Fun fun fun. Clar said to go cycling the next time... so... Looking forward to it!! =D

Horoscope: My horoscope stuff have been extremely accurate and been giving extremely appropriate advice for the past 2 weeks or so @.@ Like... whoa. I guess it'll be hard to say that it's a coincidence or something since it's been spot-on almost everyday. Almost.

Gah. I'm too tired to think of what to blog so I shall end here... for now.


Signing off... ...
Overloaded

"The one who deserves your tears, won't make you cry"... Nuh-uh.

Random post... Wanted to blog 'bout loads of stuff... but no time... So... Ah well. ^^;; This will have to do for now.

Forwarded message thing: I just remembered this one line from one of those forwarded emails... "... and the one who deserves your tears, won't make you cry". I expect most of you would have received that before (considering I got it in my mailbox more than once) but I'm afraid I have to say that I beg to differ.

I can just about safely say that I've cried for practically everyone important to me. Or rather, those really really close to me. Be it family, best friends, close friends etc. It's precisely because that person is so important, so close to you, that at some point in time, you're bound to shed tears for that person. It may be because of neglect, a row, disagreement, or just about any other thing under the sun. It may be because of sadness, hurt, jealousy, anger, indignance, happiness, gratefulness or any other thing.

Either way, it's impossible to find someone who will never make you cry, unless that person transforms you into someone incapable of feeling, in which case, would make the relationship unhealthy, and then again, will deem that person unworthy of your tears. ... Am I even making sense?

Hmm... Then again, maybe it's just that I just end up crying too easily ^^;;


Signing off... ...

Birthday- So much for 19 =P

Warning: Rambling post ahead.

Birthday: Hm, today (or rather, yesterday) was Clar's bday... Woke up feeling slightly sick and extremely groggy... Yep, bad start- But err, I guess everything was worth it when he opened the stuff- Took like... I dunno, an hour to open and read everything? But... yeah. It's a bit late (yeah, I changed the time of post so it's still valid) but HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY once again!! =)

Foiled plans: Yeah, like I said, fell sick... Temperature went up to like 39.8 degrees... Ended up imposing on Clar & family... =( Couldn't go for the bowling that we planned to go for, nor the hot-air balloon ride... in short, all our plans were ruined. Ended up sleeping the afternoon away cause of my dumb fever- >_<

Thanks: Thankies to Clar for taking care of me the entire of today-- Including letting me off with one donut and for letting me like walk super slowly and stuff- And yeah for the DVD-- twas nice- ^^ Although err... my dumb computer can't seem to play the music >_< 'manda for sitting through all my panic smses >_<


Signing off... ...
Groggy. Tired. Sleep.

If I was no longer me

Before you read this... I'd like you know that this is not for a single individual. The you is _you_.

-------------------------------------------------------

If I was no longer me,
If I no longer talk like me,
If I no longer speak like me,
would you still care?

If I was no longer me,
would you still talk to me
confide in me
hug me?

If I was no longer me,
will you still let me
hear your laughter
problems
tears?

If I was no longer me,
will you still
listen to me
spend time with me
hold me together?

If I was no longer me,
would you hate me?

If I hated myself,
would you forgive me
even if I could not
bring myself to?

If I wanted you to hate me...

Would you?

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A/N: Don't know what this is.


Signing off... ...

The General

The one in control,
yet not
The one.

Plans
mapped out in front of him,
each dot
cross
and flag.

He turns
to his left
to his right
to see his men,

Millions
on his left,
Millions
on his right.

All
in support.

He Waits,
for the
Signal
to start.

A few seconds,
minutes,
pass

In wait
for the Emperor's
Command.

The bell rings,
the door
Slams
open.

the Decree
tears the map,
Scattering
the intricate dots,
crosses
and flags
across the floor, and
across the room.

He stands, then
Bows Low
to the Decree
as His men
still stand with their heads high,
still standing tall.

Millions
on his left,
Millions
on his right.

All
in support
of His old plans.

He looks up,
as the Decree pats his head
in Approval, then
Slaps
his face
in Disapproval.

Once.

Twice.

His face stays
Straight,
while the
Millions
on his left,
Millions on his right,
Wince.

He Bows,
Stiffly,
face
Inscrutinable.

the Decree
Strokes
his hair in mock
Affection
then
Slaps

Once.

Twice.

Again.

the
Millions
on his left,
Millions
on his right,
Narrow
their eyes

and yet
He Stands
with a Straight
face

because He knows the
Millions
on his left,
Millions
on his right are

All still
in support.

---------------------------------------------
A/N: Stroke of inspiration.


Signing off... ...

HK trip & Bday

Trip on the whole: It was alright~ Ups and downs on the trip- Conflicting emotions and happy days and all... And everyone was very nice~ Particularly liked the uncle from the restaurant we always eat breakfast at... Called Uncle John, if I'm not wrong, and was rather protective of me ^^;; Heh. _And_ he sang me the cantonese birthday song~ =D

Mixing with HK students: Yepz, the HK students were nice peeps~ Sad thing was that I didn't manage to talk to them much... They rather liked Clar though- They talked loads ^^;;

Other people from the trip: Didn't get to mix around much... Or rather, as much as I would have liked to... but it was fun~ =) Everyone was really really nice. I missed out on the night hanging out in my friends' rooms (okay, those who have been on trips/camps with me please shut your mouth >_< I know that's really uncharacteristic of me)... But I still enjoyed myself~ =)

What I learnt: My values that I've kept to so far should be kept to, despite what anyone else says. I've learnt that much this far in my life and abandoning them will only serve to make me feel worse. I've gotta wisen up and keep my ears sharp >_<

Birthday: Okay, I celebrated my birthday in HK, in Disneyland =D Well, I got my wish of hearing the cantonese birthday song~ =)=) Loved it loads. Yepz. And I got... let's see... a couple of presents too~ and one given to me in HK ^^

Clar: Thanks for the key-chain thingy~ ^^ And for the day at Disneyland~ The roller coaster was fun~ =D *grins* And the lunch there. And the 'I-like-A-Sam'~ =P Heh. (for those who don't know, it was meant to be 'Alakazam', but we couldn't understand ^^;;)

Gary: Thanks for all the effort you put in for mi prezzy- Lazy piggy though. I'll open the remaining next year don't worry =P I've got good self-control ;)

Huiyong: Thanks for the card and bothering to find out my address and for the hand-written message~ =) The only card I got this year~ Thankies~ =D Yepz, CT outing coming up then, after you guys' prelims =D

Chelsea: Thanks for remembering my bday~ =D I'll take your word for it that you'll be treating me to egg tarts! =P Heehee... =D See ya when you drop by to see me at school~ Miss ya-

Others: Thanks for the messages wishing me Happy Birthday~ =D


Signing off... ...

The Undignified Teddy

White slabs
Tear
away from its body

while another
Brown
Black
Grey
stitch themselves on.

Gone
are the simple patterns now
replaced
with fanciful gaudy colours
and complicated patterns.

"How beautiful"
Someone gasps
at the discolouring teddy

one eye larger
than the other,
one arm different
from the other,
one leg shorter
than the other.

No longer beautiful.

No longer nice to look at.

A revolting teddy

that onlookers
Gag at.

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A/N: Yoz, funny thing is I forgot why I wrote that... ^^;; Hm... If I remember I'll say why again in the future-- =)