Not too long ago, someone asked me, "What do you wish to accomplish while you're alive?" My answer..?
"Live my life."
Live my life: I expect I didn't make much sense to the person who asked me the question. It made perfect sense to me, however. It may be easy to some, but for me..? I see it as lifelong challenge. Especially since I went though Polytechnic.
I used to stand in my own way, my introverted nature and timidness forming this endlessly high wall in front of me. I have tried to chip the wall away bit by bit since I discovered the existence of the wall, and do what I really want. People experiment in primary or secondary school with their CCAs, but I was late, and did my experimentation during my stay in the polytechnic.
That wall I had is now gone, and yet... a wall of another nature has been created. This wall is one I cannot chip away at. A wall that has to disintegrate on its own, yet also a wall that I can take an extremely long and tiring detour around, should I really wish to.
University is going to start... And I really want to give my all during my stay. I want to do things. I want to let myself go and enjoy myself, do myself and my family proud. I want to put everything I can into my schoolwork, into my curricular activities. Do what I want. Do what I'm passionate about. Make myself happy, make my stay in University a fulfilling one. Leave myself with good memories and to have no regrets upon graduation.
I realise that this would be my last chance to really involve myself in all these different activities.
My last chance.
And I really don't want to spoil it. The question is whether I have the ability to fulfill this wish of mine.
Foreshadowing: I figured that the outcome would ultimately show me how I would be living the rest my of life. Whether I was to let the paths I take be decided by others, or whether I would take a stand and keep it grounded.
Many would have no doubts on which they would choose, but me? My heart is currently torn in two. Desperately wishing to take one path, yet knowing that I would most likely go down the other.
It is not always just my wishes that decide the path I take. Sometimes, external factors (though some would see it as sheer cowardice) would affect my decisions and steer me away from the path I had my eyes on.
Signing off... ...
To live my life, or to live someone else's?
Showing posts with label Helplessness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Helplessness. Show all posts
Thursday, 27 March 2008
Saturday, 23 February 2008
Forgiving
EMO POST!
Forgotten: I don't approve of some of the ways that my mind uses to get around things... When something happens that hurts me, and I have no time to talk with myself over it, or do something I really should about it, I let it slip from my mind.
A numbness takes over, and suddenly you don't feel anything anymore. The numbness is all that you feel. It's very relieving, and lets you get to sleep.
Then when you wake up, you don't remember any of it anymore. Not the hurt, not the details of the incident... Sometimes not even the incident itself.
The downside is, once another event triggers the remembrance of this one, the pain you feel doubles.
And then I try to forget again.
Forgiveness: Usually when someone does something bad, I don't blame it on that person. Not for more than a week or a few weeks, at the most.
When it gets longer than that, though, it says something. When it goes over months, I know it's not something I will be able to forgive just like that. Just because I want to.
If it's a breach of trust, the trust will have to be earned back. Not just trust on the whole, but in that particular aspect, fully. And trust, once broken, is extremely difficult(if not impossible) to earn back. I'm sure most of us, if not all, would have had such an experience before, and would understand what I'm talking about.
If possible at all, the process would take years. Surprisingly, each of my 2 closest friends had a particular incident that left an extremely bad impression in me, both of which will probably stay till the end of time. [Heh, manda will definitely know which one hers is... I couldn't forgive that one for years]
One particular person breached the trust I had between us at that time, and I haven't forgiven that person since. Not even when 10 + years have passed since then.
No one else has yet to reach the exact same level as that... Though there may have been close calls... One thing I hope for, is that nothing will never reach that phase again. That that number will not increase again.
1 is seriously more than enough.
Signing off... ...
I need to grow up
help
Forgotten: I don't approve of some of the ways that my mind uses to get around things... When something happens that hurts me, and I have no time to talk with myself over it, or do something I really should about it, I let it slip from my mind.
A numbness takes over, and suddenly you don't feel anything anymore. The numbness is all that you feel. It's very relieving, and lets you get to sleep.
Then when you wake up, you don't remember any of it anymore. Not the hurt, not the details of the incident... Sometimes not even the incident itself.
The downside is, once another event triggers the remembrance of this one, the pain you feel doubles.
And then I try to forget again.
Forgiveness: Usually when someone does something bad, I don't blame it on that person. Not for more than a week or a few weeks, at the most.
When it gets longer than that, though, it says something. When it goes over months, I know it's not something I will be able to forgive just like that. Just because I want to.
If it's a breach of trust, the trust will have to be earned back. Not just trust on the whole, but in that particular aspect, fully. And trust, once broken, is extremely difficult(if not impossible) to earn back. I'm sure most of us, if not all, would have had such an experience before, and would understand what I'm talking about.
If possible at all, the process would take years. Surprisingly, each of my 2 closest friends had a particular incident that left an extremely bad impression in me, both of which will probably stay till the end of time. [Heh, manda will definitely know which one hers is... I couldn't forgive that one for years]
One particular person breached the trust I had between us at that time, and I haven't forgiven that person since. Not even when 10 + years have passed since then.
No one else has yet to reach the exact same level as that... Though there may have been close calls... One thing I hope for, is that nothing will never reach that phase again. That that number will not increase again.
1 is seriously more than enough.
Signing off... ...
I need to grow up
Saturday, 6 January 2007
High-tide, from 27/11/05
She lies
tied up and bound,
Open, Vulnerable,
against the sand.
The tide comes in,
the sound of water crashing against the shore,
ringing in her ears,
Each much louder than the one before.
The water level steadily rises,
crashing against her body relentlessly.
She panics.
She struggles against her bonds,
futile,
as the tide comes in still faster,
covering her legs.
Higher,
and higher.
It reaches for her face,
it's waves beating against her,
leaving her spluttering,
and helpless.
The water level continues to rise,
ignoring her cries of protest,
suffocating her.
Drowning her.
Signing off......
Come what may, I am here for you to deal as you wish
tied up and bound,
Open, Vulnerable,
against the sand.
The tide comes in,
the sound of water crashing against the shore,
ringing in her ears,
Each much louder than the one before.
The water level steadily rises,
crashing against her body relentlessly.
She panics.
She struggles against her bonds,
futile,
as the tide comes in still faster,
covering her legs.
Higher,
and higher.
It reaches for her face,
it's waves beating against her,
leaving her spluttering,
and helpless.
The water level continues to rise,
ignoring her cries of protest,
suffocating her.
Drowning her.
Signing off......
Come what may, I am here for you to deal as you wish
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