Forgiving

EMO POST!

Forgotten: I don't approve of some of the ways that my mind uses to get around things... When something happens that hurts me, and I have no time to talk with myself over it, or do something I really should about it, I let it slip from my mind.

A numbness takes over, and suddenly you don't feel anything anymore. The numbness is all that you feel. It's very relieving, and lets you get to sleep.

Then when you wake up, you don't remember any of it anymore. Not the hurt, not the details of the incident... Sometimes not even the incident itself.

The downside is, once another event triggers the remembrance of this one, the pain you feel doubles.

And then I try to forget again.

Forgiveness: Usually when someone does something bad, I don't blame it on that person. Not for more than a week or a few weeks, at the most.

When it gets longer than that, though, it says something. When it goes over months, I know it's not something I will be able to forgive just like that. Just because I want to.

If it's a breach of trust, the trust will have to be earned back. Not just trust on the whole, but in that particular aspect, fully. And trust, once broken, is extremely difficult(if not impossible) to earn back. I'm sure most of us, if not all, would have had such an experience before, and would understand what I'm talking about.

If possible at all, the process would take years. Surprisingly, each of my 2 closest friends had a particular incident that left an extremely bad impression in me, both of which will probably stay till the end of time. [Heh, manda will definitely know which one hers is... I couldn't forgive that one for years]

One particular person breached the trust I had between us at that time, and I haven't forgiven that person since. Not even when 10 + years have passed since then.

No one else has yet to reach the exact same level as that... Though there may have been close calls... One thing I hope for, is that nothing will never reach that phase again. That that number will not increase again.

1 is seriously more than enough.


Signing off... ...
I need to grow uphelp

A spot of angst

Warning: Emotional post up ahead. I'm not in my right mind.

Blowing up: I don't know what's wrong with me... But I've just gotten so sick and tired of explaining stuff to people... Some unfortunate soul messaged me on MSN while I was at work today... And the main gist was that he decided to assume the worst from my words and start accusing me of saying that he was 'too free' and that he was dumb and stuff... When all I said was 'yeah, cause some of us have a lot of stuff to complete-' (I can't remember the exact words but it's something like that and I mentioned a deadline somewhere) in reply to his 'you guys are so busy?' when he learnt that we tapao-ed our food to eat in the office again.

After his rant, I started replying coldly and curtly (and as a result, rudely) for a few lines, then finally managed to force myself to cool down after a while. I just really hated explaining myself that I had half the urge to just go offline... Thankfully I forced myself to just type, and cleared it up. [Of course, there was also the fact that it was that particular guy- He always gets on my nerves >_<]

Closing up: What's wrong with me, I wonder. Recently, everytime there's some stupid misunderstanding or accusations or tantrum-throwing, I just shut myself up cause the option to explain was just too tiring.

Way too tiring.

I guess I've been way too spoilt by my friends, when they read and intepret things without having to ask you to bare your heart out every time, or of course, the friends that just don't notice, or don't delve into it when you don't reply them.

Sometimes when an opening is forced open, the door just closes up even more to prevent the intrusion.

Now, I'm trying doubly hard to stop the door from closing, or open it up even more, amidst the crowd flood. I've been trying.

Sorry to the one I may have affected the most cause of this... You know who you are.

Not nice: I've had people telling me nice things, saying that I'm 'nice', 'cheery' and whatever-not... And I sometimes feel ashamed when I hear it, cause sometimes I know I'm not. Don't really know how much of that I still have in me, if it had existed in the past... And sometimes when I hear something good someone says about me, a comment or thought of a close one about me that said otherwise passes through. 'Cheery'..? Am I really? Cause if I am, I sure haven't been feeling much of it as of late... Not that I haven't, of course, just not overly so that someone would feel inclined to describe me as such.

What about 'nice'? Utter nonsense. I do what I like, what I enjoy. Nothing else.

Although I'm starting to wonder if I still do so. And then, I wonder... What am I now, then..?

I've had words like 'self-righteous', 'naive', and a whole lot of others I can't rememer thrown at me. Half of which I normally wouldn't have paid any heed to... And yet now, I can't help but wonder......

I'm hoping that this spot of angst came out only cause I'm tired... ... I'm hoping.


Signing off... ...
Blank.