Tact and thought. And utter stupidity.

Warning: This is going to a complaining, bashing entry. KEEP OUT if you're allergic to that- Thank you.

Terrible person: That's what I've been for a very long time... going in and out of 'scum' status for my entire life. There are days I wish that I would just stop being such a blasted idiot... To _THINK_ before I do anything. To stop taking things the easy way out and letting the rest of my body do things before going through my brain.

There are times when the heart should be at work, there are other times when the head should take over. Currently, that balance of mine has been lost.

I'm been a bloody stupid blasted hypocrite many times... And a bloody arse to boot.

Birthday: Today was my brother's birthday. But guess what I did..? I stayed out till 11.30... Didn't give him his present, and missed his celebration altogether. All because I was thinking about myself and whatever not... Cause I kept trying to get myself to lighten up... Because... of well. A lot of things. None of which is reason enough to have done what I did. Or rather, did not do.

He's always made it a point to come back on time for _my_ birthday celebration every year... He never forgets to give me my present, and most of the time it even comes early. And what did I do this year? For the first time, I missed his birthday. What sort of a sister am I?

How screwed up can I get, really? How stupid can I get? ... But you know what, don't answer that.

I'm just wondering how I became what I am now... This screwed up me. The me that's almost unrecognisable now. This ugly, mutated, piece of... thing.

Randomness: I suppose randomness is not that much of a good thing... It just used to be some random thing my mind thought up with and I just let it flow out- (Heh, manda should know about this best. In fact, most should know about that little fact about me) Until recently... When randomness just became another weapon.

Not everything used to have a reason- But I realise that not many think that way. Everything I do is interpreted in some way... Watched by everyone. I suppose I will have to keep that in hand... To control that.

"Everything has a reason". Perhaps that's true. Perhaps somewhere in my subconscious, these all came from something. Something related to something that happened, to something I felt. It's just something I don't notice. Perhaps.

On the bright side: As someone said, "at least you're aware of it now. Thus you'll be able to change for the better as you see fit right?" Yeah. No one should have to stand my nonsense. I'll change. Just wait.


Signing off... ...
Tact and thought: An art I need to master