Busy. Overloaded. Lost. [Time]

Yep, lots of talk. I'm finally not gonna just narrate my daily happenings. About time. But let me warn you, it's an extremely long entry... My brain, I'm afraid, is on overdrive.

Private space and time: Okay, so I've always been a person who's needed my own private space and time... I realise that it's almost a _must_ for me to have these. Lack of private space makes me feel extremely suffocated, invaded, vulnerable... and etc. A lack of my own time... Well, let's just say I found the consequence out today.

Time alone: I've not had much time alone for the past... well. Ages. No time to think, no time for myself or anything like that. So... I found out what happens to me when that happens. Went out with Clar for lunch and stuff... Ended up entering my 'thinking' mode during lunch, when we were walking, and even when I went for class. Ended up zoning out when my teacher was talking... and when we were supposed to be reading this passage and answering questions.

There was a point in time when I read the thing in my head, but nothing was processed. Only after over a paragraph later did I realise that, and had to go back to read it over again. Needless to say, I was like the slowest. When she started to go through the passage, I had only done 2/3 the passage, at most. And like everyone else had finished...! Gah. Then decided to take a walk back from class so that I could think, instead of taking a bus. Needed the walk too. ^^

But at least all the time thinking got me back on track. Got me somewhat less confused and back on what I want to and should be. Not enough, but will do for now, I guess. I've got a bumpy road ahead of me and any form of stabilisation will help.

Family time: I realise that I've been treasuring any time alone or with my family much more than I usually would. Which means only one thing: I haven't been spending enough time with my family. It's really very sad... Considering that there have been major happenings recently that I've not known about, simply because I'm never at home for them to update me. At dinner today, I couldn't help but appreciate how nice the food was, and felt so ashamed when my mum mentioned something about using up the fish and minced pork (when I commented that it was really nice) for previous meals, which I didn't know of, because I wasn't there.

That's not even including when I didn't even know when my brother was down with food poisoning over a long period of time. Great. And I only realised the day after he recovered. Wonderful sister I am.

My identity: I felt that I've been losing it bit by bit, chunk by chunk... Realised that I have my own way of dealing with things and should stick to it. No matter what people say, no matter what people think, no matter what people want me to do. I am who I am, and I should not keep moulding myself into what people want me to be.

I have to admit that I end up doing the latter all the time anyway, and I have no one to blame but myself when I don't like the end result. Compromisation is one thing, identity mutation is another. I've been changing my style, my way of doing things, my thoughts, my everything, with compromisation. No one to blame. If I decide to compromise, it is my own duty to hold true to myself, to keep my values firm and everything.

Not everything has to be said, not everything thought through the head has to come out of my mouth. I believed that from a long, long, time ago. But I had to throw that all out the window. So I suffer the consequences. Now, I shall have to work back to getting back in shape and knowing what I have to say and what I don't.

Self mutation and determination: People I've known around me for so long are starting to leave me one by one... And so well, I started to think. If I was going to die, I do not want to regret the choices I've made, the things I've done, everything I've done to myself. I've been extremely confused over what I think I should do, and whether I should change what I have been doing. The former, I am still confused over, but I came to a conclusion over the latter.

Just thought that I should just stick with what I'm happy doing. If what I do brings a smile to my face and makes me happy, no matter what other people say I should just stick to it if I believe that it's the right thing to do. Other people have their own views, and just as well, since everyone is entitled to have them, and it really is interesting when you look around and see how different people around you handle things. This change in perspective is not something that should push me to mutate myself into something that would fit that perspective. Even if that perspective is that of someone close to you.

Accepting them for who they are does not equate to agreeing with them, or changing your mindset to correspond to theirs. I believe that if you stick to what you strongly believe in, something you know you don't want to change and that you won't be happy changing (of course, when it needs to be changed it should be), people will accept you for who you are. The people who matter, that is.

Busy: Aside from all that, well, back to the physical world. I'll be extremely busy, and have been overloading myself a lot. Emotional roller coaster rides have been the norm over the past week or so, and will probably be over the next couple of weeks too. If things go bad, it may last all the way till the end of the sem. I've got my dancesport competition (in which I need to brush up A LOT on) and school, and Jap, and meeting ups, and the upcoming fund raising thing from club. And the Japan trip. It's about time I got back to focusing. Don't know why I keep my phone next to me all the time at home now. I'll probably go back to leaving it in my bag.

Thanks: To my Jap class. The passage content was one of the biggest reasons why I managed to think through and get some kind of breakthrough. And Manda, for sticking with me... I'm so sorry for having neglected you the past few days... =( And well, Clar too- Ended up learning a lot of things and thought through a lot of things because of stuff too.

And oh yes... HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Manda and Meiling!! For today~ =D And to Momo and Deone 2 weeks ago.


Signing off... ...